A drunk review of Michael Bolton's Big Sexy, Valentine's Day Special

 Credit: Netflix

Credit: Netflix

I wrote the following review of Michael Bolton’s Big, Sexy Valentine’s Day Special on Valentine’s Day, alone and single in my flat, drinking a bottle of rosé while waiting for my takeaway to arrive. I decided to take notes as the night went on. Since it turned out that the hour long Netflix special was an unapologetic hot mess, publishing my mostly unedited drunk notes is the best way to do the show any justice.

A REVIEW OF MICHAEL BOLTON’S BIG, SEXY VALENTINE’S DAY SPECIAL

What the hell, why is Santa in this opening musical number

Why did Bolton just pull a gun on him

So Santa made 75,000 too many presents and this is actually a special about Christmas?? That makes sense

Michael bolton needs to make sure 75000 new babies are conceived on valentines day to save christmas through a telethon, all i’m making are drunken memories and an article i’m probably going to regret tomorrow

So its like a variety show to save christmas that becomes a romantic drama after Bolton gets his heart broken over text, then a thriller at the last minute with a mattress seller trying to murder bolton for ruining his business?? Is this complex or crazy

not surprising, Tim Aukerman from Comedy Bang! Bang! and Akiva Schaffer from that SNL pop group thing The Lonely Island co-directed this and they’re amazing
→ ohhh this makes sense, bolton did a collaboration with the lonely island with that Jack Sparrow song in 2011 so they must be homies

→ also michael bolton is executive producer??

This cast list is INSANE: Adam Scott, Andy Samberg, Sarah Silverman, Maya Rudolph, Fred Armisen, Eric Andre. HOW DID THEY GET THE MONEY FOR THIS

Why didn’t i live in a time when bear rugs and circular beds were considered sexy, the set design is really bringing the 80s. i want to roll in all the star cloth used in this special

I’m half a bottle of wine in and Michael Bolton looks like the tastiest disco ball ever, how many shiny sequined blazers outfit changes can one man have

  • I miss bolton’s hair so much

Michael bolton does a reprise of his jack sparrow song alongside 80s ballads

THOSE DULCET TONES

Lots of guest sketches?? I need more michael buble

I mean bolton

VARIETY SKETCHES

These scene transitions are amazing, the graphics department must have gone ham making cheesy photoshop things and the cuts to the telethon callers is cute

Kenny g (played by andy samberg??) vs michael bolton is the rivalry batman vs superman wishes it had
→ A SAXOPHONE MICHAEL BOLTON BATTLE IS ALL I AM HERE FOR
→ HIT THOSE HIGH NOTES BB

Uhhhh okay some of these sketches are hit and miss

Not feeling this fred armisen chocolatier sketch, feels like an outtake of his show portlandia (note: finish watching portlandia)
→ megan why aren’t you feeling this sketch you cant just say you dont like it because thats not good journalism and you wont get love
→ it feels tonally off? Like the whole special just feels uneven cause of different comedic styles and the pacing shifts are kind of jarring. it feels like aukerman and schaffer just wanted to do something awesome with their best friends who i also have
→ guest stars doing stuff in their wheelhouse, armisen doing portlandia, silverman doing crude sexual humour and chris parnell doing essentially his character from 30 rock

Michael bolton can you sing steel bars already

Holy crap we’re only halfway through. Am i drunk or does none of this make any- MAYA RUDOLPH YES, THE BEYONCE OF COMEDY HAS ARRIVED

yES what is a cheesy nostalgic netflix special without a musical number set in a diner to scare off punks
→ is that simon pegg teaching bolton how to dance?? I CANT TELL I CANT SEE THE SCREEN omg wine
→ wait no its michael sheen being a douchey choreographer
→ am i having a breakdown? Wheres my takeaway
→ There’s a man dressed as a scythe playing a saxophone??
→ WAIT THAT MANS NOT A SCYTHE HES A MUSICAL NOTE, i was convinced he was death personified come to take me and michael bolton away from this amazing dumpster fire

“I hope you’re having a sexy time snuggled up with your special someone, give them a kiss right now”
→ thanks bolton i just had more wine

fINAL IMPRESSIONS

This whole thing feels like the film wet hot american summer and i love it
→ not everyones gonna love this (like your review megan), people who love old school michael bolton are probably going to be really confused and then people who dont like meta bizarre humour are gonna hate it

“Youre like a heterosexual anderson cooper” — eric andre wins best line of the whole special

Bolton seems like hes so happy to be a part of this, always seems like hes about to burst into laughter halfway through deadpan delivery and he definitely grinned all through his scene with eric andre

I want someone to make me as happy as michael bolton doing this netflix special

In the meantime i’ll settle for how happy i was watching it happy valentines day to me THE END